Marionette

    3 AM and wide awake. Got up at 3:45 and ran a few miles on the treadmill. I knew the high wouldn’t last forever so I wanted to take advantage of it while I could. Saw hubby off to work at 5:00 then watched a movie, which I very rarely do. Feels like a super fast spin cycle today. I am crashing fast and have so much to get done…a client appointment, tons of paperwork, and coaching special Olympic basketball tonight. The fun never ends. I am still reducing my Effexor a few grains at a time, from 300 mg now down to 50 mg. It’s been 11 months. I know this med has very negatively effected my bipolar and can’t wait to be clean of it. Soon, very soon. Also 17 days sober. I really want to go to bed and hide all day. I’ve discovered that with bipolar , you don’t always have to have traumatic or life altering events taking place in your life to suffer with this disease. The suffering comes from the lurking shadows that jump out and consume you in which you have NO control. You have no choice of their prediction or pattern. The swings come and go at their own choosing leaving you lost in the whirlwind of bipolars demise. Sometimes flying so high you feel untouchable in flight or so low that even the brown blades of yesterdays grass need to look down just to see you. ……Obviously I’m arriving at a rather lowly state of mind. A place of dim lights and damp chills…mostly silent except for the constantly emerging thoughts that never seem to quiet . So how am I feeling today the survey asks, inquiring minds want to know…. I feel like I am held captive . I feel bound. I feel as though I am a pawn in the hand of the all mighty bipolar god. I feel controlled. I feel enslaved. Oh how I long to be released from this relentless confinement . Unfortunately there is no key to open the locks of bipolar. After all there is no cure. Possible symptom suppressants. Chemicals to alter the path of the disease in the brain. But I can’t just decide one day to walk away from this. These decisions are not mine to make……..and so the marionette looks to the face of the master and replies , ” I feel as only you will allow me to feel” .

Suncycles

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3 thoughts on “Marionette

  1. tapering off effexor is a nightmare, I had problems getting of the 37.5mg pills… my first doctor diagnosed me bipolar, the one i was going to this time thought it was MDD, they gave me prozac as a bridge, after 3 nights of no sleep, i went manic and ended up in CPEP. Effexor is the #1 worst withdrawal i had in my life!

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